building bridges: strong connections and effective communication with your pre-teen
By: Marissa Pollet
As children transition into their pre-teen years, parenting can start to look very different. The world of a pre-teen child begins to take on a new form and expands beyond the home to a space filled with friends, school pressures, independence, and emotional complexity. It’s a crucial and sometimes tricky time for parents to stay connected. But cultivating strong communication and emotional bonds during these years lays the foundation for a resilient relationship in the teen years and beyond.
Let’s explore why connection matters so much at this stage of development and practical strategies you can use for effective communication with your pre-teen.
Why Connection is Key During the Pre-Teen Years
Pre-teens (typically ages 9–12) are in the pivotal stages of a major developmental transition. At this time in their lives, they begin to form a stronger sense of identity, seek more autonomy, and become more influenced by peers. Along with these developmental changes they are also feeling more emotionally vulnerable and experiencing complex feelings they may not know how to express or understand.
Strategies to Connect and Communicate with Your Pre-Teen
1. Create Consistent One-on-One Time
• Block off "parent-kid" time weekly. It could be something as simple as walk or playing a board game. Let your child choose the activity as it shows you value their preferences and want the time to be enjoyable. Short periods of quality time spent together go a long way.
• Use these moments to talk about them and ask questions that encourage your child to be open and express themselves. What are their current challenges or concerns? Find a place to do this that is free of other distractions.
2. Listen Without Judgment or Fixing
Pre-teens are often hesitant to open up if they feel they'll be judged or “corrected.”
• Practice active listening: make eye contact, nod, and reflect back what you hear. This will help your child to feel validated and heard.
• Avoid rushing in with solutions unless they ask for advice. Although this can be a hard thing to do, allowing your child to solve problems on their own will help to foster independence and build confidence.
• Normalize their feelings. Phrases like “That sounds really tough” or “I remember feeling like that too” can help them feel understood. Relating to your child and expressing that you understand how they are feeling on an emotional level creates a safe space for sharing.
3. Use Open-Ended Questions
Ditch the yes/no questions in favor of prompts that invite more sharing. We all know it can be hard to open the lines of communication so try things like:
• “What was the best part of your day?” or “What’s something that surprised you today?”
• Respect their answers without prying, one question may lead into more sharing over time so be patient.
4. Show Interest in Their World
Pre-teens may seem to push parents away, but deep down, they still crave your interest and approval. It tends to look differently as this stage as they navigate this new world but expressing interest will help create more of a connection.
• Ask them to teach you something they’re good at, it empowers them and builds rapport, and it could turn into a new activity you both can do together.
• Celebrate their efforts, not just achievements. Positive praise goes a long way!
5. Use Technology as a Bridge, Not a Barrier
While screen time can isolate, it can also be a way to connect. Be consistent with your expectations as parent when it comes to your rules and limitations and monitor your child’s content as needed. In the same regard it can also serve as fun time between parent and child such as:
• Watch a show or play a game together to bond over shared interests.
• Use messaging as a light-hearted way to stay in touch and be silly together.
• Set tech boundaries collaboratively. You will inevitably have a different viewpoint than your child so invite their input when discussing limits and take the time to explain as well as listen.
6. Be Emotionally Available, Even When They Push Away
Pre-teens may act like they don’t need you — but that’s rarely true.
• Check in regularly, even if they seem indifferent.
• Be present and calm during emotional ups and downs. This models the importance of emotional regulation.
Keep the Door Open
Connection with your pre-teen isn’t about prying into every detail of their life; it’s about building a relationship where they want to come to you, and open-door policy of expressing their highs and lows as they navigate this new chapter in their lives. This is a learning curve for both parent and child, and it takes time, consistency, and a lot of patience. The key component in this journey is you do not need to be a perfect parent, just a present one. Keep showing up, listening and loving them unconditionally.
Our team of caring professionals at Inspired Wellness are here to provide support and guidance towards your path of mental wellness. We believe that every individual has the ability to be the best version of themselves and our goal is to set you up with the tools to maintain a well-balanced life that will place you on the path towards lifelong change. We strive to create a non-judgmental environment coupled with therapeutic practices that are tailored towards each individual. At Inspired Wellness our team aims to do exactly as our name says, inspire you towards a beautiful life of strength and wellness!